Addictions Fight Back

One of the little tricks I've been using to get through the very long days without smoking is to sleep. That might sound like it's just putting off the inevitable, but it really does help. The longer I can go without, the better it is. I ned to get through the physical withdrawals before I can even begin to tackle the undermining effects of the actual habit itself.

The habit is the part that sometimes has me pausing the television (without thinking) when a commercial starts. Perhaps once in every program I'll push the pause button on the DVR, get up and walk over to where my cigarettes... aren't. Oops. It's automatic. Turn around. Sit down. Start deep breathing quickly, because my mind and body immediately revolt against being denied the expected influx of drug. Yes, you've got to think of it like that.

Today it got really bad about two o'clock. I went in and lay down, falling asleep after about half an hour listening to an audio book, Armageddon's Children (Terry Brooks). I'm not sure how long I was out when the need for a smoke got to me. I honestly forgot I had quit. I got up, and put my pants back on. I remember brushing my hair and thinking I looked really tired. I grabbed the car keys and wondered where John was. I didn't think about it being Sunday, or Father's Day. I just went out, got in the car and drove to the store. I bought two packs of cigarettes and smoked all the way home. It didn't seem to give me any relief. No guilt. No pleasure. No sense of failure. It just was. No emotion at all.

I parked and walked in the house, deciding to go back to bed. When I sat down and tried to take off my pants, I woke up. It had all been a dream. I was dreaming that I had gotten up and driven to town, bought cigarettes and smoked all the way home. My addiction was fighting back. Bummer. Needless to say, I wanted one at that point more than ever.

I will label this post as humor, hoping that someday I might actually think of it that way. Today I realize that other people might find it funny, but to me it's not so much. Not yet, anyway. Obviously, I decided not to go back to bed.