Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on a tree. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but they are easy. The apples at the top often think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men—men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Socrates: "If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
Groucho Marx: "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Jimmy Durante: "My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Milton Berle: "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
And I'll end with my favorite...
Rita Rudner: "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."